Lizard Attack!

By: Lara Velez

This a true story of an encounter I had with a neighborhood lizard.

My oldest daughter loves animals…all animals(with the exception of spiders, roaches, and bees). She’s wanted to be a vet since she was four.

We like to go on nature walks around the neighborhood quite frequently. On our walks, we have encountered many interesting events…we witnessed a cat take it’s last breath after getting hit by a car …we have saved an orphaned baby bird here and there…she saves earthworms from roasting in the sun on almost every walk…and once we even saved an earthworm who was half way down a lizards throat…I really don’t know how she gets me into it…

Speaking of lizards…a few months ago, we had more excitement than I anticipated on one of these adventerous walks. I silently prayed we would have nothing “fun” happen that day as we strolled along. Unfortunately, she was on a mission to catch a lizard…She finally caught one…She’s looking at this lizard and says, “Wow, Mom look at all the intricate patterns God has placed on His creation! Isn’t it beautiful?” Well, the homeschool Mom in me is thinking…Great word usage!…but, the girl in me is thinking…Yuck! Of course, I say, “yes, sweetheart.”

OK…moving on with the story…she is happily walking along holding “Mr. Lizard,” while I’m pushing the baby in the stroller. All seems peaceful and quiet. Until…she suddenly shrieks! I turn to see her eyes wide open as she is pointing at my back yelling…and laughing…”it’s on you…it’s on you!” Try to get a visual…I am jumping up and down in place…flailing my arms…and screaming, “Get it off! Get it off!” As this is happening I turn to see her bent over and laughing uncontrollably and saying; “Mom…ha ha ha…I think you scared it to death..ha ha ha.” I glanced over at my little one, and she’s looking at me like I lost the few marbles I had left. I’m sure the neighbors were very entertained.

It was worth the horrific experience to see the laughter in my daughters eyes for the rest of the day and while she shared the story with her Dad…and mine!

She’s had a rough couple of days…This was a good thing…And hey, at least it wasn’t a spider…

Copyright © Lara Velez

About the Author: Lara Velez is a wife, homeschooling Mother of two, published author, and web publisher. You can find more of her articles at: MomsofFaith.com

Hey Hoh! Hoh Hey! The Cricket Chirp Chirp Chirped Away

By: Debbie Zipp

The Cricket That Almost Did Us In

The day was filled with glee and pride. Oh, the satisfaction! The day had finally arrived when we were to create our charming short film that had been so long in the planning. The joy of teamwork, cooperation and creative collaboration filled the air. The day proceeded smoothly, as though the Gods had blessed us and they were happy as they gazed down upon the joyous hustle and bustle of our teamwork. . Our total confidence of an early finish and a job well done shown brightly. The wheels of production and artistry were at full throttle and nothing, but nothing, could stop the energy and focus that flooded the room.

Little did we know, however, that in the dark secret corners of the rafters high above our heads laid a tiny little someone else who was also gazing down upon our happy scene. Some little someone who was secretly hatching a plan to thwart our efforts and bring us down. He gazed down upon the happy hustle and bustle of our teamwork and thought, “Who do they think they are. They are so pleased with themselves that they might achieve a perfect day. They could have asked me to the party. I’m a creative being with good ideas. I’ve had a wonderful pilot script stashed away just waiting for my big break. But there they are taunting me with their revelry. Well I’ll show them. They will rue the day they cast me aside without a thought.”

And so… the cricket in the rafters began to chirp away.

Far below the well oiled machine ground to a halt, the sound person declaring “ Hey Hoh! Hoh Hey! What annoying noise invades my headphones today?” Everyone sat aghast. What is that? What could it be? WHERE is it? That is one heck of a loud sound that threatens to derail us in every way! So we think and ponder and we think and we listen till we realize … My Goodness it is just a cricket. A cricket? A little cricket?? How could a cricket throw us off this way? Surely it will stop. Surely it will cease. But no such luck, to our utter dismay.

Panic began to set in and our confidence was waning, but we bucked up and reached for our thinking caps! First we clapped… and lo and behold, the cricket took a break. Perhaps it liked the attention we gave. So we set the scene to shoot only little by little during the cricket’s recesses. What else could we do? This iddy biddy creature had way more power than us, so we were forced to shoot in little iddy biddy ways. Mr. Cricket finally grew accustomed to our applause however, so, thinking caps still on, we brought out the pots and pans to ring out a mighty clang and scare the bejesus out of the little fellow! Alas, our efforts were fruitless. We failed to talk him into leaving, but the bang and clang DID convince him to take little breaks. So we used the same technique to forge ahead and again to shoot in little iddy biddy bits. Well this went on and on until once again, his little ears acclimated to our noise, and he continued his forceful chirping no matter what. We threw up our hands, indeed we did, because all seemed to be lost. To this cricket size meant nothing…he was definitely more powerful and crafty than we could ever have imagined.

Desperation sank in threatening our day and our film in every possible way. We were weary and sick at heart but somehow we found the strength to keep going and came up with a new idea. Out came the 13-foot ladder and a broomstick to help us prevail this day. Our director, ever so brave, climbed to the top where he thought he heard the cricket chirping away. (Don’t worry, no harm would come to the cricket, but his ears would suffer mightily because Mr. Director started thunderously pounding on the rafters and shook the house from stem to stern.) Our director stood and he balanced and he pounded above while below we were at the ready to shoot the minute the chirping ceased. And every now and then it did. And so… that is how it went the rest of the night. Chirping, pounding, chirping stop, shoot, chirping, pounding, chirping stop, shoot, etc. It wore on us all but we never gave up. The battle went on and on. Both sides frustrated but committed to win. We poised to shoot each time the cricket tired and step-by-step, little by little; battle-by-battle we accomplished all that we had set out to do at the beginning of the day.

Yes, we were 5 hours behind schedule. Yes, we were frazzled and wiped out, but we refused to let that cricket do us in. We gathered ourselves and greeted our director with shouts of glee as he climbed down from atop his ladder perch.

We vociferously celebrated our triumph over the cricket. Our joy could not be contained. We rallied and announced that now the cricket could chirp away. Go ahead you crafty little cricket and chirp chirp chirp away. You can’t stop us now. We’re done! We’re through! We did it, we won! So there! You blankety blank cricket. We’ve crushed your plans to bring us down. Or so we thought.

We couldn’t help but wonder how the cricket felt as our spirits soared. Did we break his mighty spirit? Because we have to admit he was a force. We had to admire and respect our tiny iddy biddy enemy. Is it possible that a fondness had set in for the cricket in the rafters? When we were in the throws of fighting each new battle we thought our cricket was demented and evil and we wanted him dead. But is it possible? Could it be? Perhaps this powerful little creature was just having fun. Perhaps he was bored. Perhaps he was innocent of the negative effect he had. Maybe he just needed a distraction on this ho hum Saturday night without a date. Or could it be that he was wiser than we. Teaching us a lesson that no matter what, or how well you plot and plan, you can never anticipate every problem that lies ahead. Or perhaps it is as simple as… he was just doing his own thing…being himself…just as we try to do in our own work.

Well, whatever his motives, the cricket had the last say in the end because after some food and wine we settled down to reflect and pat ourselves on the back only to discover…Hey Hoh! Hoh Hey! The cricket’s chirp chirp chirping had finally gone away!

About the Author: Debbie Zipp In the Trenches Productions. Daughter, Mom, Wife, Actress , and Producer (In the Trenches Productions).

Funny Bone: Getting Older

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, she then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

Positively Chocolate

Chocolate is better than therapy. And you don’t even need an appointment.

There would be a chocoholics anonymous, but nobody wants to quit!

Man cannot live on chocolate alone! but women can!

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

The Complete Woman – TOP TEN: Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats’ facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And, the number one thing Only Women Understand is….

1. OTHER WOMEN!

The Complete Woman – TOP TEN: Top Ten Signs You Could Be an Internet Junkie

10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

9. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

8. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.

7. You don’t know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

6. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

5. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

4. You check your email. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

3. Your cat has its own home page.

2. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

And, the number one sign you could be an Internet Junkie is…..

1. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

The Complete Woman – TOP TEN: Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve …

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that.”

Humor for Women – PMS

By: Laura Browne

Once a month, the people around me get really stupid and obnoxious. Some people might think that’s PMS. I just think that I tend to be more observant than normal a few days out of the month. (I’m certainly more aware of how really annoying my husband can be.)

A few of my friends think of PMS as something negative. On the contrary, I see it as a chance to take charge. I’m normally an easy-going person but when I have PMS, I turn into Super PMS Woman. I feel I must right all wrongs, no matter how trivial. I imagine I go into a phone booth like Superman to change into my Super PMS Woman outfit. (No leotards and tights though I’m retaining a lot of water and I feel rather puffy.) Then Im ready to take on the injustices of the world, whether they exist or not. And believe me, when I have PMS, I can find plenty of injustices to complain about.

Normally, a mild-mannered mom, Super PMS Woman gets cranky faster than a speeding bullet, argues with friends and family more powerfully than a locomotive and is able to jump to conclusions in a single bound.

I know that if I wait until that certain week of the month Ill have that extra bit of, lets just say energy, to deal with incompetence. So when I need to fight with my insurance company about their most recent mess-up or when I have to call and complain to the catalog company that they sent the wrong order again, I wait until I have PMS. Why should I only share it with my friends and family?

That’s only one of the many positives of PMS. Really. Think about it, once a month, I have a built in excuse to be crabby. If I feel like eating a whole container of cookie dough ice cream or even raw cookie dough, I can do it without having to answer any questions. If my husband opens his mouth, I just snarl at him and point to the calendar and he gets the hint. As a matter of fact, he sometimes leaves skid marks as he runs out of the room to safety.

And cramps are a great way to get out of doing work. My husband thinks that I can still do housework when I’m running a 102 degree fever but cramps are a mysterious disease that make it impossible for me to do anything. Last month cramps got me out of going to a kids birthday party. Okay, okay, the cramps weren’t that bad but I didn’t want my husband to miss the fun of yet another princess fairy butterfly party.

And then there’s the intense craving for chocolate. Its true, I always have a craving for chocolate, however, it definitely gets worse when I have PMS. I’m prone to throwing open the cupboards while loudly accusing my family members of eating the last bits of candy left over from Valentines Day.

My friends tell me that the craving for chocolate I feel is psychological. It has nothing to do with PMS. And I tell them, Hey, get your grubby hands off my chocolate bar and you wont get hurt

So if you see me in my Super PMS Woman cape, just do what my husband does: give me some chocolate and back away slowly. Don’t worry, Ill change back to my mild-mannered self soon.

Laura Browne is the author of a serious but practical & easy-to-use book for women, Why Cant You Communicate Like Me? How Smart Women Get Results At Work available at Barnes & Noble online, www.bn.com Laura offers free teleconferences on How To Deal With Difficult People At Work. For more information, email her at laura4b@earthlink.net or go to http://www.inyourfaceink.com

When Laura isnt writing, she helps women be more successful through WOMEN Unlimited, a nationally recognized resource for cultivating leadership excellence, http://www.women-unlimited.com

(This article was originally printed in Cranberry Magazine.)

Article Source: http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Laura_Browne

Funny Bone: The Power of Woman

There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.